Category: Fun solutions

Bickering children have been known to fray their parents’ nerves. Oftentimes, parents are not sure how to deal with fights and, in an effort to simply make them stop, don’t always make the most thoughtful decisions. For example, well-meaning parents may jump into their children’s arguments as referees or judges, trying to determine “who started it” or “which toy belongs to whom.” Excluding violent or dangerous conflicts, parenting experts suggest a different approach.

For example, the ‘Love and Logic’ method described by Cline and Faye (2006) suggests that parents “just go brain dead” during conflicts. What they mean is that parents should not argue; but remain calm, show empathy, and express their love for their children. They suggest that parents might say: “I love you too much to argue.” This does not mean giving-in; as ‘Love and Logic’ parenting is not permissive. Parent still need to make children accountable for behavior by understanding the consequences. But when these messages are communicated in a loving way, children are less likely to regard their parents as the enemy.

Similarly, noted positive parenting and sibling rivalry expert, Amy McCready (2019), suggests that parents stay out of squabbles about who is right, unless absolutely necessary. In doing so, parents are not reinforcing the disagreements; but rather, are enabling children to work out solutions together (in cartoon : “Let’s play with the yoga balls, and then find a solution together”). Parents are often surprised how often children can work out solutions together, without parents telling them what to do. McCready also suggests that parents put all children “in the same boat.” In other words, rather than trying to negotiate “who did what,” if all children involved in the conflict receive the same consequence, they learn that they each will benefit from getting along in the future (e.g., “If you both cannot play together with the toy, you will need to find something else to do”). When parental intervention is needed, it should be done calmly and without taking sides.

Distracting children with another fun activity or toy (in cartoon: the yoga balls or the volcano) is often helpful with younger children, as is modeling deep-breathing exercises that help calm the chaos. A cooling-off period is actually advantageous for both children and parents, who sometimes need to take a few breaths too! When both children and parents are more relaxed, they are better able to reduce frustration and determine positive solutions and fun alternatives.

Key take-aways to suggest fun alternatives to avoid fights:

1) Calmly interrupt the conflict (in cartoon: “Max, Klara, let me show you something very cool”), for example by using calming toys that are exclusively used when a child needs to calm down. Distracting children with another fun activity is often helpful, as is modeling deep-breathing exercises that help calm the chaos (in cartoon: “Look at these yoga balls”).

2) Do not take sides. If children can’t work out a solution, put all children “in the same boat”: if all children involved in the conflict get the same consequence, they learn that they will benefit from getting along in the future.

3) Do not argue. Parents should remain calm and show empathy.

4) Enable children to work out solutions together (in cartoon: “We’re going to relax, and then find a solution”). If they are old enough, you can even ask them to come up with a solution. You might be surprised how often children are able to find a solution you had not considered.

5) Find fun alternatives to help children step away from the conflict to focus on a more positive activity.

Sometimes kids have pretty strange ideas about fun activities, such as building a hut outside when it is pouring rain (see cartoon). When their requests are denied, they feel frustrated and angry that their wants and needs are – yet again – vetoed by unfair parents who keep telling them what to do. Rather than simply denying requests, parents need to direct children toward more appropriate interests and fun alternatives without breaking their spirits. In doing so, parents avoid the negative consequences of constantly denying requests (in cartoon: “I don’t think you can. It is raining”), which may build resentment toward parents, revenge to get back at parents, rebellion against parents, and retreat, that may involve becoming sneaky or experiencing a loss of self-esteem (Nelsen, 2006).

By practicing non-critical parenting, parents show children that their ideas are valued (in cartoon: “It sounds like so much fun!”) even when parents have no intention of engaging in their children’s plans. Such situations are perfect for the ‘incompatible alternative principle’ of positive discipline (Kersey, 2006); wherein parents provide children with a new behavior to substitute for the undesirable one. For example, parents could suggest building a hut inside, rather than outside in the rain. Parents skilled at finding fun alternatives are more likely to get the child’s cooperation and, as a result, more likely to avoid tantrums altogether.

Suggesting several fun alternatives is also effective because children feel a sense of empowerment when given choices. Providing a reasonable compromise or a couple of alternate options (which are acceptable to the parent) helps the child feel a sense of control. It is a win-win situation for both parents and children. Additionally, brainstorming with children and involving them in decision-making to find alternative options teaches them valuable problem-solving skills and can be even more effective. After all, since “children are born good, are altruistic and desire to do the right thing” (Godfrey, 2019); gently and respectfully guiding them in win-win positive directions fosters cooperation.

It is even better if parents suggest activities that involve parental interaction (in cartoon: “How about we build a hut right in your bedroom?”). Positive involvement, accompanied by parental participation, builds lifelong memories and strong family connections. There is no substitute for getting down on the floor and playing with children. This supportive, involved parenting teaches social skills and is also associated with positive school adjustment and reduced behavior issues. It is a creative and fun solution to short-term problems, that has long-term benefits.

Key take-aways to suggest fun alternatives to avoid tantrums:

1) When a child makes an unreasonable request, your natural tendency might be to deny the request with a logical explanation (in cartoon: “You can’t go outside, it is raining”). However, this approach is likely to lead to a tantrum. Research also shows this builds resentment toward the parent.

2) Instead, show true empathy. This shows the child how much you understand and relate to them (in cartoon: “I know how much you want to build a hut in the garden”).

3) Show children that their ideas are valued (in cartoon: “That sounds like a lot of fun!”), even if what they are asking for might not be possible.

4) Provide children with new behaviors to substitute for the undesirable one, such as building a hut inside, rather than outside. Children feel empowered when given choices. The key is to make it playful and fun.

After you connect with your child in a moment of crisis to show that you understand their feelings and are on their side (see Magic Way 1), another simple and extremely effective step to defuse a challenging situation is to offer fun alternatives that give your child options to choose from. Is your child upset because it’s time to leave the playground and go home? Suggest a fun alternative such as racing to the next lamp pole (which is of course conveniently positioned on the way back home) or start doing the frog or the crab walk (toward home).

If a child is not able or allowed to perform a specific activity, providing a reasonable compromise or a couple of new and fun options can help children feel a sense of control and redirect their energy toward positive behaviors. Doing this allows children to see a positive path forward: it’s time for fun again! It’s a win-win situation for both parents and children. This is a very effective and essential tactic in a parenting toolkit. Instead of denying a child’s request, offer them fun alternatives and options.

For this Magic Way, we will review how to use fun alternatives to avoid a tantrum (cartoon 5) and more specifically how to avoid a tantrum with children who are two or three years old (cartoon 6). Then we will review how to avoid fights between two children struggling to share toys (cartoon 7).

Cartoons for this Magic Way:

Cartoon 5: Fun alternatives to avoid a tantrum.

Cartoon 6: Fun alternatives to avoid a tantrum (with a young toddler).

Cartoon 7: Fun alternatives to avoid fights.